Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Interracial Dating 101: Start to Believe what your Eyes tell you instead

How do you get the relationship you deserve?

I will start by saying that the key word is deserve. You have to believe you deserve a relationship and not just any odd one, but one that, ‘satisfies your soul’.

It is important for you to NOTE the things that aim to wrest this opportunity from you.

In fact I say it is crucial for today’s black women because many people out there see black women as ‘resources’ to be employed in the pursuit of general agendas rather than flesh and blood that need to eat, sleep, take care of themselves and their desires for companionship. People have other concerns for and about you that do not match those yearnings you have for yourself. Look out for yourself therefore. I call this SELF ADVOCACY.

Case in point: While black women are deeply worried about getting themselves into relationship and their dwindling traditional pool of men, other black folks are not necessarily similarly worried but are more concerned about securing the borders of the black races. Thus to you a white man who asks you out is an opportunity, while others who dont have similar concerns to you (conflicting agendas) are incensed that you would dare consider this option. They will continue to direct you towards a single choice even if you are experiencing major difficulties and say so, because the alternative is unacceptable to them, your suffering not withstanding.

It is therefore so important for black women to clarify their own desires for themselves and recognise that they might not be getting sound advice because of conflicting objectives in the people they often turn to for advice.

Black women need to begin to have a sense for the sound of truth.

In recent years women and particularly black women, are being told that they need to ‘prepare’ for marriage. Preachers and relationship experts are drawing up a whole new philosophy that holds that a lack of relationships is down to bw not having done necessary ‘self preparation for marriage’ i. e, you are not married because you are not healed, havent prayed enough etc. Despite the fact that many high profile people preach this doctrine and specifically to women (because men never are told as vigorously that they need to do some needed preparation), I want to say to you that you are ready as you are. Believe it, you are ok and ready to be married as you are!

Some women might need some extra work done but it is but a select few like one in hundred of us. Beyond everyday adjustment that we all tell ourselves, (drink more water, smile more) black women should not feel they are marriage unworthy unless they go through a process of self-perfecting, regardless of the fact that this is the 'in' doctrine being use to turn women away from looking at the dire lack of suitors within the church to navel gazing. Pastors etc might need to answer this question, "When these women have self-perfected, where will the men come from? Will you conjure them out of a hat, or is this the one where black women will be sent for more work and more and more..' Contrary to suggestions, there arent a gallery of perfect men watching and waiting for black women to sort it out then they reveal themselves. Black women need to reject the strong inculcated need to 'polish' themselves to an inch of their lives in ‘self preparation’.

Remember, our parents and grandparents never felt this need to ‘prepare’ this way for marriage. Its very clear to me and sensible black women that pointing black women away to work on themselves, is a stalling method practiced where there are no solutions or ‘preferred solutions’ to the issue. Indeed the easiest thing to say/do when black women complain about lack of men in the black churches for instance, is to point them towards self-perfecting or higher heights of sacrifice and self abnegation ‘for God’. We need to be able to recognise a con when its on.

I mean think about it, which pastor is willing to loose his ‘flock’ by suggesting relocation or online dating etc. And the fact that very few if any, are discussing these clear solutions to teeming numbers of single black women in churches again points to a few things, conflicting agendas or the fact that black womens suffering is of little concern to the church hierachy.

When you are hungry you eat. Meaning you respond to your own internal signs of hunger. When you look to others to direct you on such basic level you open yourself up misdirection and misuse. Apply the same principle in the area of relationships.

You need to know what gives on the relatiomship front for yourself, do not let anyone else explain it for you if they are not experincing what you are, particularly others who have conflicting agendas because they are likely to speak without your interest/needs in mind.

Unfortunately many black women are at the mercy of others because they refuse to make intelligent use of their eyes and ears in simply judging their situation and making decisions about what to do.

Case in point, why would a woman need a pastor to tell her why she has dating problems, just look around the church, particularly if you spend many/most of your evenings there. Indeed do pastors encourage women to do fewer church services and go out to meet men instead? Very few do, when this is the practical reason why a lot of church going black women remain unmarried. Yes lack of meaningful and productive interraction is a modern day disease which stops us from partnering, but it is more so for the church going sister.

Keep a journal on your experices on the dating scene. Let yourself know what is going on right before your eyes, dont let anyone else tell you how it is like! With the use of themes such as those below, you can take a critical look at your dating setting and decided what needs to be done:

Nights out every week

Description of the type of men who regularly approach you for freindship or relationships and how many recent offers you have had

Your experinces as a light/dark skin woman (natural/not natural hair styles) in the dating field.

Opportunities for meeting men and those converted (freinds introduction, school, work, family)

Honest assessment of your dating field and the men

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Thursday, June 05, 2008

Interracial Dating 101: Further notes

Is it wrong for black people to seek to repair the damage of white supremacy through a resistance doctrine (see definition of resistance doctrine in previous post)?
In principle, there is not much wrong with having a strategy for correcting the wrongs of white supremacy within the black race, however, the resistance doctrine in itself should not hurt black women’s interests and cause them unnecessary hardship.
The common resistance doctrine espoused within the black community does not take into consideration current realities in offering behaviour codes and specifying ‘right’ actions particularly for black women.

For an example and in reference to male-female relationships, black women are not untied from stringent dictates and requirements to ‘only date black men’, even in the face of a considerable number shortfall and unavailability of black men. Politically black women are also supposed to act as if they have full co-operation of black men in their endeavours to uplift the community, when it has been evident for a long while that they do not have such support.

Any true and fair resistance doctrine would have a concern for black women at its heart, would take into account the realities that make it impossible for all black women to live the ideal of ‘black men only’, and would thus take a liberal attitude towards black women ‘expanding their choices’!

It is clear and becoming more and more evident that servitude without reward has always been the deal for black women within this present ‘resistance doctrine’ and black women are beginning to abandon its precepts for being unrealistic to them.

Will a white man make a better partner than a black man?
Generally speaking it is impossible to call, there is no guarantee either would provide the best experince because this is about individuals. However on an individual basis some black women tally their experinces and report that they have had more pleasant ones with white men.

The question could be asked, 'Why is it the case?'
For that question, there are a thousand and one reasons of which one definitely is that the experiences of any particular black woman are too limited to make any kind of general conclusion.

Another reason could be that the unchallenged sexism, racio-misogyny and unsupportive attitudes towards black women within the black community make black women feel this way (note that I say 'unchallenged'). Black women who are taken for granted and expected to do a lot of heavy lifting within their communities etc might suddenly find it a refreshing experince to be with a man who has no such expectations of them because they are from a community were efforts have been made to 'control', unsupportive attitudes towards females.

An out of race partner may also bring a different perspective/energy which might be seen as refreshing Different energy from an IR partner

Get the full discussion in the IR Dating E-Book

Send your questions to (I will try my best to give a reply/answer)