Wednesday, November 25, 2009

This is also about access to the Resources of Black Women

Hope you all had a wonderful Thanks Giving!
It is of key importance within the general black thought system, that black women remain firmly located (locked) and localised only within the black construct/setting and unavailable to any other.

This might seem like an issue of black moral pride, even an issue of protecting black women but in reality by being so positioned, black women and their resources, be they material or otherwise, become held exclusively for the use of those within the black group and within ready access to be drawn on by those in the black category.

It has indeed been shown that it is wise to consider the angle of control of ‘resources’ when looking at how society is organised and this is very much valid way of looking at the situation of black women as a group within a social framework.

The whole notion of ‘keeping black women within black political mileu’ is the underlying sentiment that gives rise to thwarting and blocking responses that black women experience when they attempt any social movement beyond the black construct. This notion is also detectable in the unreasonable requirements they continue to be issued with, to keep faithful to the tenets of in-group mate selection, despite clear indications that severe number imbalances exist for this to continue to be a valid policy for black women at this point in time. In addition, the lack of concern, the skirting around or glossing over the reality of damage that such a requirement will have on a significant number of black women in their quest for relationships is also a clear sign of how low in consideration black women are placed within the hierarchy of importance operating within the black construct. That black women are here to ‘facilitate’ the tribal agenda (agenda both for and set by black men) and are seen as mere fodder for the furtherance of tribal goals and ideals is the message communicated by the indifference and lack of empathy generally displayed in these situations.

‘I was hungry and thirsty and I could not even reach out to pick a ripe and available orange within my reach because it was across the fence.’

The above comment clearly expresses the dilema faced by black women who find they cannot meet their needs within the black construct but are required to continue to remain within the black construct regardless of their personal sufferings.

Given that the designated area of operation of black women is within the political black construct, any attempts at expansion beyond this, is countered and blocked in a myriad of ways, from subtle to outright. Don’t forget that from her youth black women have their mentalities framed to be either effectively blind to opportunities indeed the world beyond the 'hedge' of the black construct or to cast a doubtful even disdainful eye on anything beyond the black construct boundaries.

In the beginning…

In the beginning, remaining within the black construct was an issue of necessity and safety, presently however the sentiment has shifted to being primarily a tribalistic one where tribal concerns like black uplift/black unity (concepts that are vaguely or only idealistically defined) are the reasons to limit oneself within one’s group.

Black women acquire and support this tribalistic mode of thinking, without understanding that it actually works against their specific, personal interests. A little deeper and clearer thought would indeed revel how their prioritising such tribal concerns means putting themselves at a greater risk of being enslaved to agendas that pay them very little (beyond psychic benefits) and loosing out on a personal front.

Some black women do however reach a point where they come to a realisation that they should place personal actualisation (for instance finding a suitable mate) as priority and above tribal ideals and all the restrictive and limiting tenets set up as the way to achieve tribal goals. Many more are today coming to a point of prefering tangible outcomes to intangibles and psychic rewards for instance of being hailed as 'true and dedicated' black women. What indeed is that 'badge' worth in the face of broken dreams and loneliness.

A willingness to place personal over tribal is a key turning point in the psyche of black women and marks a move towards black women becoming aware and acting as rational self-maximising social agents.

However, there are many black women and women in general who receive tribal injunctions as somehow being about elevating them as a unique group of women and being set apart and valued in the tribe even about an attempt to safe-guard their unique attributes as women of the tribe. They don’t see it as men simply trying to corner the market, and secure their stake in the women of the group, while at the same time, employing any tactic and exploiting any loop hole (including using religious tenets) to make women of other ‘tribes’ more available to them.

We cannot indeed overlook the fact  that in the state of zero competition the devaluation of a thing is highly likely. Anything that becomes exclusive within a specific space has a high risk of being devalued and taken for granted within those confines. Is it then any wonder that black women are complaining that they are constantly being harrassed, treated shaby within the race and blamed and never given a moments rest in terms of the demands placed on them? Is it any wonder they are deemed the work horses and expected to put up with and endure burdens other women are ushered away from very quickly!

Many black women do indeed block out the clear signs of black men being all about having as many women as possible while removing the competition from other males with respect to black women, continuing to insist that keeping them within the group is somehow how black men express their strong desires for their brand of femininity and position them above other women.

Indeed I will add that I believe that many more black women have woken up from the stupor of years ago, when they could be heard saying, ‘Black men only want to use these women,’ displaying that they were happy with this state of affairs of other women being used. Their willingness to see other women used however, was the snare that entrapped them (yes many black men whispered these sentiments to black women while they played them or both parties), because they soon enough discovered that the game was on them, and they were the ones being used and discarded!

Get clued up about interracial dating, read the IR Dating E-book

And send your questions to

(I will try my best to give a reply/answer)

Monday, November 09, 2009

Should BW just forget about seeking for that 'good BM'

Almost a year ago, someone commented on my blog, accusing me of not 'levelling' with black women. She said this after one more example highlighting how black women were being devalued and passed over by the average black man, 'Why dont you just tell black women to forget about looking for black men and focus on white and others?'

You know that comment gave me a lot to think about, and I have attempted in the past to write a post about black women simply looking towards others. Lets face it, if you are a woman of a certain age and certain complexion and you are experincing 'shunning' by black men and even though day in and day out, you work, school or live around them (giving them ample opportunity to make a move) and no black man has of yet snapped you up, then really, why be so concerned about keeping them on the menu (they have had enough time to show interest and have not). It does make sense at least for expedience sake for you to simply look outwards and prospect new arenas indeed tailor yourself towards giving other men an all out chance. No one has finite rescources and at some point in a black woman's search, she is going to have to cut off a few leads to conserve energy and save time. Of course as usual a moral mill stone hangs around our necks (yes we black women have an almost irrational urge to always be 'moral' and consciencious in our dealings even when the people we are dealing with are totally amoral), and I kept to my policy of 'be open to all men'.

However someone has sent in a comment that has made me think twice about my 'keep prospecting among all men', mantra. Focussing in, might be an issue of optimising your chances and sending a clear message to break through the binding and imprisoning assumptions out there that trap black women in disadvantage.

Her is the anons comment

(and yes I have recieved the perfunctury note complaining that DBR seem synonymous with bm in this comment but if you can focus on the 'meat' of the comment for one second.....)


I just wanted to tell you all a little story of my foray back into the dating world after a long time being single and basically giving up. I did post my profile on Match a long time ago but found that 80% of the men that viewed my profile were white but NONE would send flirts or better yet an email. Of course, you can bet that the vast majority of the DBRs tried to interact despite my profile clearly not being compatible with them on any level.

I also noticed that the vast majority of the non-black men that I searched for in the listings checked what is now termed "everything but a black woman." I've read the comments here posted by Evia who I respect for the work that she's done. However, I must say that you're not single and out there. I can tell you this can be VERY off-putting and I interface with white people in corporate america all day long. At the time, I interpreted it as proof of the racism in the hearts of white men.

I decided to give it another try and this time check ONLY white men as my preference. Guess what!! The darn floodgates have opened!!!! I was really reticent to do this previously as I am open to all QUALITY men, but I thought I would test it.

Interestingly enough, this has not stopped the DBRs from approaching me. In fact, some are even more aggressive. This sense of ownership is definitely alive and well. They also seem to think that you really have no choice. If they show ANY interest, you are supposed to thank your lucky stars and immediately engage them. I've noticed that in they're approach, unlike the white men, they do not try to show their value as men and good partners. They simply say "I'm a good black man looking for a relationship." While the white men QUALIFY their statements with why they are a good choice. The white men engage me about my day, my likes and dislikes etc.

After ignoring these DBRs, I've noticed that there is a pattern of more hostile interaction. They don't take the time to go back and read my requirements that clearly list white men. They continue to email and try to IM. As if to say "B... didn't you get my emails!! Don't you know that you are supposed to be happy that I am taking the time...!!"

They email me several times and try to engage me on Instant Messaging despite no replies. I've had to block them before the situtation goes further downhill.

I think that perhaps when White Men see an educated, good looking Black Woman who has checked that they are open to dating all races they either think that competition will be too much or that she is really just saying that she is "waitin' on a IBM." Either way, there is a big difference in the response. I should also state that my first time on Match was pre-Michele Obama. They may be getting used to the idea of the middle-class black woman. Or maybe they're just opening up to it more. Something has changed...

I thought I would pass this information along for others because the difference in response was truly incredible. I have to say it feels GREAT to know that you truly DO have options.
Anyway someone else wrote back thanking her for her insight...

Thanks for that information and insight. I guess it falls under the old adage of 'the truth will set you free'. I too am trying online dating again after years of being away. I am using Euro, Canadian and 2 US IR sites and I've always just wanted to check white only because that is my overwhelming preference. But have always been bullied by others & or my own social conscience to do the politically correct thing. Thanks to your observation, I'm going to follow my hearts conscience and post my true desires. I'll just block everyone who doesn't fit the criteria and keep it moving. Thanks again -Anon.

So here we have it, 'jack of all trades, master of none,' 'chase all the available rabbits and end up with none'.  This strategy seems to have worked because it communicated that she was open to white men way way more than some general green lighting of 'all men' would have. It gives something to think about....

Yes black women tend to have a moral conscience in excess, weighing them down and talking them out of being totally focussed and Machiavellian in pursuit of their goals like everyone else.

Maybe thats what we need to ask ourselves, why we have such a need to be morally above board. Is this probably about how someone who constantly wants to take a bath might have a constant feeling of being dirty?

It doesnt hurt to just tinker with your profile (who says you must keep it rigid), indeed if your moral conscience disallows you certain choices, why not have two profiles; one saying all men and one saying white only (on different sites if it isnt possible on the same dating site) and see how this as an experiment goes.

Black women, we need to be savvy and play this thing with intelligence and to win, and stop hobbling along, hamstrung by excessive morality and inflexibility and sticking to 'tradition' and just one narrow way of doing things. Think creatively!

Indeed excluding black men on your profile does not necesarily mean rejecting them but can be about being 'wise' to the behavioural codes of black men and hence your opportunitites with them as a demographic and zoning in where you know your chances and choices (indeed what you seek out of a relationship) can be maximised! 

Get clued up about interracial dating, read the IR Dating E-book

And send your questions to

(I will try my best to give a reply/answer)