Friday, August 20, 2010

Dear Jade, dont Divorce your Husband!

I was quitely taking note of how folks where ‘advising’ the woman at the centre of the Dr Laura debacle to ‘divorce’ her husband. Wow!

Apparently divorce is a thing you can just do…you know easily. You just skip out of marriage just like playing Hop Scotch or something.

I am still wondering at those black women recommending ‘divorce’. Possibly another indicator of the high number of single black women out there, who clearly do not know what a serious relationship looks like or takes.

I also noted how black men where ‘all up in it’ also calling for the woman to divorce him (of course after branding her a sell-out!). Then again I don’t expect anything else from black men, at least they know how to defend their self-interest. No one could ever accuse black men of ever being confused about how their interest is served in any situation. I mean they can spot it at 1000 paces, an insight that I think was somehow switched off in black women, who dont know they actually do have something called 'self interest' which needs... you know, defending and attending to from time to time!

I wonder how many of those black women would advice a bw whose black husband called her a ‘Nappy headed HO’ to divorce their husbands for such a ‘high insult.’ I am sure they will recommend seeing a pastor or bringing in his uncle or family members to talk to him etc etc, even getting a thug to give him a 'once over', but divorce? I doubt it. Sure the blame game would start if they have no advice, it would the usual, 'Why didnt she know he would turn out that way' etc etc. I mean black women are suppose to have extra sensory perception as standard dont you know! Black women are all precogs, able to fortell the future to such accurate detail as to know the time and date when a slight will be made against their person no matter how young or old. Even preteens have this ability to understand the antics of predatory men twice their age, thats why we blame them when they fall victims to such ('Guuuurl you didnt get precognition, you better go rght back to the manufacturer ASAP'). (sarcasm off).

You see folks want us to believe that we bw who are open to dating white men and others are bending over backwards to accommodate for white men. Dears this is a huge big lie! Bw have bent over double to accommodate for black men and are still doing so now. Nothing that bw are doing currently to date white men even goes half way to compare to how much bw have done to be with bm. Even if bw were to leap from 6 floors into the arms of every white man in the country it still would go no way to even the score. Bw have done everything including demeaning themselves to changing their natural features (weaved up, bleached up etc etc) just so that black men don’t overlook them and folks want you to compare that with saying ‘Hi’ to a white man first. Lol! GTHOHWTBS.

Write this down:

If black people cannot head bw off interracial dating, as they increasingly aren’t able to, they will do the next best thing which is to totally complicate it so the chance of it happening is zilch or the sheer exhaustion will make you run away from it, if that doesn’t work they will ask you to divorce your white husband because he said ‘pass the salt’ without prefacing it with the word please!

This is how it goes folks

  1. Don’t date white men- If that doesn’t succeed then…
  2. Hold out for the kind of white man who doesn’t exist in real life - eg a white man who has never had a racist thought in his life ( in other words ‘white manus unicornus‘)
  3. Or complicate your relationship and put it through all sorts of hassles until it 'dies' from sheer exhaustion
  4. Or divorce him as soon as he says a word out of place.

Indeed I was invited to read a website a few months ago where bw were arguing about what they can and cannot do to get with white guys. Do you know there was a black man all up in there, arguing that black women should hold out and not be easy, and if he saw black women running up behind a white man, he would have a word ra ra ra! You would have thought these women were debating inviting white men to their bedrooms lol! All these women were discussing was wether to say hi or talk to the guy they were attracted to first. And there were all these women agreeing with this black man instead of first asking themselves, 'why is this bloke up in here to start with?' and 'what business does he have in how black women and white men get together?' You see bw don’t ask themselves these most basic questions that even folks with an IQ of 30 can ask and thus understand the underlying motivation of such third parties.

Where the vultures are circling overhead you are likely to see a carcas, and so wherever you see a black man urging black women on, you can take bets that its one more of those ’foot shooting expeditions’ that black women are in the midst of for sure!

I have one sincere prayer and that is that a new generation of bw will be born soon, that don’t have their brain wired back to front, so that all these easy to spot scams, will not continue to be ‘run’ on them with such ease!

Gain insight into the relationship reality facing black women today, and find out more about the Interracial Option, read the IR E-book

Questions to be sent to:

Monday, August 16, 2010

What would self do?

So I have been challenged to give some ideas and structure to how black women can become more self concerned and focussed on achieving their ambitions particularly in the area of relationships.

I want to say here that concerted efforts have been made to get black women to collapse her sense of self (an identity which when thriving reminds us that we have to take care of ourselves and our personal ambitions as distinct from general concerns for tribe, race etc), into her concern for community so conmmunity becomes all she is striving on behalf of.

Many black women do not actually have a sense of personal concern, if you note the way they behave and the decisions they make! When you find bw shooting themselves in their foot just to do something which 'serves' a broader black agenda then you are looking at a woman whose self concern is no longer clearly marked out from the concern for race or people! Remember it is unhealthy to have only community concern and if you must have only one it must be 'self-concern'.

The truth that has been shielded from black women to keep them working like a mule, is that when black women thrive as individuals, the so called community would thrive automatically, it wouldnt need to be something you have to plot and plan for. Think about that for a second and think about the fact that even ancient tribes understood this basic principle!

So in essence a significant number of black women are going to have to either 'resurrect' a wholesome and healthy sense of self concern or split it out from race focus.

Indeed being about race all of the time is a sign of a missing self concern instinct, so is 'sister soildiering' and indeed any activity that serves 'community' at the expense of a healthy personal ambition. When women cannot decipher how a given ideology will hurt their personal ambitions in the area of love and relationships and careers etc, and when you have to point out the obvious or do remedial coaching (as Khadija aptly titles it) so that a woman can see how a particular course of action will place them at a disadvnatge then you are likely to be talking to a woman who the BC has succesfully made obliterate her sense of self concern for only community concern. These women have a real blindness about how what they do affects their own personal ambitions, they do not look at an issue from the perspective of 'how does this serve my personal interest' or 'whats in it for me, does it pay my rent'. Remember that the black community makes these kind of healthy self concern questioning extreme selfishness, so you would be better to ignore all what the black arbiters and black community agents have to say on this one.

How to carve out a healthy self concern
Look at the picture below.
Getting mine! Thanks 

This man has just won 6 million dollars on the tables!

Can you visualize how he is going to go about spending the money he has won on his dream car, house, vacation? If you are like me quite easily! I can run that sequence in my mind without any difficulty, in fact I can almost match his emotions at winning all that money! You dont need to try at all to see and feel how this man's winnings will accrue to himself. Look at him pull in all thise chips towards himself, do you believe he is thinking, 'The church roof is leaking'. Not even close!

Indeed look at that picture and get the emotions, the right emotions of how it feels to focus on self!

Yes that what it feels like to be about self! Most black women would have a heart attack at the thought of being so self indulgent, I can almost see the rosary beads coming out for thinking such unclean thoughts! But this is actually the frame of mind that black women need to be in, particularly after many years of conditioned self abnegation to the extent that black women dont know how to take a slice of life for themselves. You have to loose this inculcated need to keep pouring out and out and out as the right way to be a black woman.

Imagine what this man will buy first, some champagne? Maybe he will go to one of the shops attached to the hotel and get a new $4,000 suit and then next stop a car dealership....

The average black man knows how to get his, he is in no way confused about it. The latest rap video will show you this clearly but not just that, it teachs the next generation of black boys what it means to 'get theirs'.

Contrast this with black women who havent stopped shooting themselves in the foot even when the choice is a clear one between dating in a way that ensures peace and sanity and a real shot at happiness over scrambling over slim pickings!


We interupt this blog post to bring you our comments on 'What Dr Laura did'

Now unless you have been under a rock these past few days, you would have heard about, Dr Laura Schlessinger's N word rant. Apparently she went all crazy on a caller (a black woman married to a white man) who needed some advice on what about her husband not standing up for her to his racially insensitive even racist friends and family. Dr Laura ended up sing songing the N word several times which distressed the caller who she branded sensitive and humourless.

Now that’s my version of events but you can listen to the stuff here by scrolling down to the CNN video  and make up your own minds.

Before I say anything else can I ask if the caller (who went by the name Jade), at any point identified herself as a rapper or black comedian?

See I must have missed something because I hear folks saying that black comedians use the N word all the time as a kind of defence for some white folks using it. So my question is, did the caller Jade identify herself as a rapper or comedian of some sorts that I missed. Or did she say at some point that she supported rappers using the N word?

I am still scratching my head on that one and maybe some of you who listened more carefully than I did can help me out here. Or maybe and apparently if I am black then I support every negative thing any other black person does just by virtue of being black and I have no right to detach myself from the wilfully poor mannered just as white folks can.

See folks, there are some of us in this society that just will not submit to codes of decorum and decency. Whether we like it or not they have a right to maintain their flagrant disregard of sane and decent behaviour. So how do we deal with them? Well not that I have a dog left in this 'black community' fight but if you ask me, deal with them by simply putting them in that category of ‘impolite society’, just the same way that white folks deal with the pornographers and the rest and shun them and push them to the fringes. We are polite, they are impolite, end of story.

But apparently as a black person you must have the mill stone of the rest forced on you even when it is a choice to reject or accept. Indeed folks do not want you, a decent black person to refuse to accept coarse behaviour as standard or maybe it’s this idea that ‘black people are one and in unity and brotherhood and all that’ you know the 'all blacks are in perfect harmony and agreement and we have no differences between us' notions that we have sown abroad!

We all know that as black folks we pay a ‘black tax’ because of the effects of structural inequality and the fact that other blacks have let the side down however to suggest that because some black person over in Colorado mentioned the N word that I too have decided to accept it because I am black and have no right to reject foul language and conduct but must 'own it' because one other black person over there uses it, is just ridiculous logic and racist attitude peeping through a facade of  tolerance and equality

‘And the Lion drinking upstream from a little lamb drinking down stream, said to the lamb, ‘Hey why are you kicking mud in my drinking water?’ The Lamb replied, but I am down stream sir, I cannot possibly be contaminating your water’. The Lion thought about it for a moment and said, ‘Where you not the one who insulted me six months ago, indeed it is you, you have the same white fur and long ears and awkward gait!’ And the Lamb replied, but I wasn’t born six months ago, I am only a three month old lamb.’ The Lion then insisted, ‘If it wasn’t you then it was your mother or grandmother’. And with that he pounced on the youngling for his dinner!

Those who want to victimize others will look for any excuse to justify why they have a right to do so!

To be continued in part 2
Gain insight into the relationship reality facing black women today, and find out more about the Interracial Option, read the IR E-book

Questions to be sent to:

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Gauging the value on black women's lives

You know how I know that black women are simply ‘without inherent value’ to their immediate community? Well one clear way is to notice when said society allows black women to escape for their lives, when they are willing to ‘unbolt’ the doors to let black women do something about their situation. Think about it for a second, when does a black woman’s issue become a legitimate issue that requires concern and consideration and some targeted intervention etc etc etc?

Well look at the statistics, things only become noted and commented on when they involve black women in a situation that is essentially out of control, a situation that has crossed the point of no return, or cant reasonably be expected to be ‘pulled back’, when the situation has well crossed 50%, then and only then, Essence, Ebony, NAACP, black church etc etc decides that it is an ‘issue’ that maybe requires some comment or two!

I wish I was lying but look around and see that it is indeed the truth.

I was going through a few blogs the other day and it struck me how many of the writers even the black female writers of popular blogs are essentially colluding with the overall agenda to keep black women in unsuspecting and ‘unworried’ mode about situations that they should actually and on the contrary should be worried and acutely concerned and hollering as loud as they can about to their younger sisters and friends and daughters etc. These blogs and websites actually see themselves as moral and responsible when telling black women to just relax, about issues that are taking them out, keeping them in poverty and wretchedness, unsatisfied, until like a frog in a pan of heating water, the water gets to 100c and then the frog becomes cooked dinner!

We really need to get out the message to every black woman out there that they should stop thinking they have some black community or black guide or black leader concerned about them and in their corner, or who has their back and will eventually ‘come through for them’ at the critical point (many bw believe this even though many don’t know it on a conscious level, their action and milling around waiting for something to happen instead of 'making hasty tracks' shows it). And when we confront black women with this truth and they say, ‘They know’, ask them what the hell they are standing about for then! As an aside, I think black women are very inert as a group in response to serious issues and even personal goals, I think this is symptomic of the training black women have recived over the years, the conditioning to just wait around, that the right response is 'no response' and things will blow over or come together magically. If you are a black woman who is ambitious for something, you need to be inching towards your goal day by day, and doing something towards it. Sometimes it will only be an inch but you will at points make it up with future 'spurts' expecially when you have gotten over the 'hill' bits eg the learning phase!

BW have to understand that they need to start thinking about themselves and how they can preserve their lives and they need to have started yesterday! There is no calvary coming, what you do is what you get! The other thing is that as a black woman, you have to get rid of the guilt of 'pulling away' from the bulk to strike ahead. This notion that we have to all 'go along together' if any should advance is crippling bw ability to be decisive and take what life has to offer them in particular and is one of those hooks that are attached to the black woman that harnesses them for the use of other people. There are indeed so many skillfully crafted ideas and belivisms inclucated into bw that enables others to tap their resources and have access to the fruits of their labor without having ever contibuted to the black woman in any way.

Now a good bit of the reason why the black female situation just grows worse and worse with no response is because of the dysfunction inherent in the so called black community that is unresponsive (as a good and functioning, community should be) to the needs of the group that it should really be invested in, if it knows what is good for it (but it doesn’t hence the fact that BC is dysfunctional), however the other bit is that black women are essentially cannon fodder who no one (even themselves) thinks needs to have any concern shown them. This is the place black women occupy in the general mind.

Now in many European countries, if women begin to increase their drinking or unsafe sex habits etc etc by anything like even 2% it is immediately picked up on the social radar and even 5% rate warrants full government intervention. Bill boards go up, clinics are set up, and adverts are aired on TV etc etc, to ensure that this trend tails off. However note that for black women adverse trends have to be well over 50% and even beyond to warrant some admission that ‘there is a problem’ and even for bw themselves to even be ‘allowed’ to bring the issue forward in the general conversation space as a legitimate discussion topic. Even then, all sorts of rationalizations for the situation are ‘pulled’ out, ones you can bet that are not about nipping the problem but the rationalization which is all about disarming black women, telling them it could be much worse so they should be thanking their stars (aka put up with it), or the blame black woman game starts.

Think about it, HIV/AIDS infections/deaths, Domestic Violence, Singleness, rape, OOW, obesity in fact name all the negative trends that black women are experiencing and you can see that these are trending either in the 70’s or they are 3-4 times the rate of their other race female counterparts. To me and all others that have some sense left, this is a clear sign that black women would do well not to even give ear and any attention to what so called black community and black leadership has to say about anything. The catastrophic failure that resulted in this ridiculous numbers spells out quite clearly that there is nothing for black women from 'black community'. Any other group of women would have seen and already responded appropraitely to this situation but the reason why bw have not is because many bw look to 'BC' as a baby they are responsible for as opposed to a framework of people and dynamics which should equally ensure their safety and concerns are met. Indeed any time you see bw speak about BC, look at the context and the construction of their statements and you will notice how these women look at the BC as 'their responsbility' and something they carry like a baby on their backs. Contrast this thinking with how other women speak of and thus view their communtites or groups etc and you can see they consider themselves 'inserted' into this community, and are giving as well as recieving from it (hence the reason why they regard it as their community)

The fact that life and death issues of black women (the root of the so called community) are just shrugged off and people go about as if nothing is amiss...doesn’t that indeed teach you that you the black woman is of no concern to your so called black community (in fact that this idea of any such community is a deadly joke which needs to be put to rest for public safety) and its so called leaders do not have any ‘response’ to the ugly statistics that surround your lives. Yet every month, tens of thousands of black women dutifully send in their dues and payments to keep these organizations/leaders afloat (as I have said bw see the BC as a project they are repsonsible for and should not look to reap from at any point).

So the message being communicated is:

  • You can only ‘move’ when the fire is on your body
  • You don’t deserve to be ‘responded’ too, even when a situation is dire, and if it is indeed dire it is your responbility and blame, in fact after you have poured out for others then it is then time for you to put in the effort to lift yourself out of whatever sitaution is confronting you as a black woman. You need to pull yourself up by your boot straps
  • You deserve no returns on the efforts you make and all your in put into the 'black agenda (read: black male agenda), you shouldnt look for any returns (eg a man from your church, prioritization of your concerns as a bw) but must expect this to be a one way dynamic where the black community takes and takes and takes. 
Gain insight into the relationship reality facing black women today, and find out more about the Interracial Option, read the IR E-book

Questions to be sent to:

Monday, August 02, 2010

'The road black women are on now will not take them to where they want to be!'

Whatever your feelings about Interracial dating I think it is critical that black women everywhere have an ‘overview’ of their reality within society.

We have talked about how stereotypes like 'Angry Black Woman' are used effectively to shut out black women from opportunities and resources. We know about sexism and we would have learnt while sitting on our mothers lap about ‘white people’ but I am going to say again that it ‘behoves’ every single black woman to understand the lens of society’s on black woman in order to make her way within it.

Most of the times I perceive black women only operating in a ‘boxed view’ or a bubble view, in other words having an understanding about immediate dynamics around her and day to day situation, no far reaching views or overviews of her situation.

I want every black woman to mentally picture herself climbing on top of the box (instead of seeing only what is within it), to survey her situation.

One of the critical things black women should do is divide her society into inner and outer. Most black women received only instructions about how to face the ‘outer’ or wider mainstream community (read: white) and very little on the skills to navigate the internal (black) construct/community. Today I can tell you that this outer focus is the cause of many a black woman’s destruction because black women are more likely to face immediate threat from her inner community (which she lovingly looks upon as a sanctuary and haven from the harsh outer world as you can see in black poetry) than out of it and there are mechanisms to deal with outter threats while very little if any have been set up to deal with inside threats (e.g. racio-misogyny) which are not even acknowledged to begin with!

I have to also mention here that because of skin color, even a black woman who opts out of the prevailing , ideology, beliefs, norms, attitudes and behaviour even priorities of the black political construct will still be dragged into the mix simply by being black. When people who barely know you or strangers on the street make demands on your time and money etc and expect you to abide by one or the other black social convention, for the mere fact that you are black, it shows this dynamic of being drawn back into the black mix even without consenting to being a part. Don’t forget that many black people reserve the bitterest part of anger and vindictiveness for other black people and this is why many BWE advice black women to get very far away from black settings and constructs especially those with high levels of crime and anti-social behaviour because they are more likely to be the targets of any hostile activities for being black in addition to being seen as female (because of gender and the undefended/unbefreinded status of black womanhood).

In Summary

  • Get on top of the box to have an ‘overview’ of your circumstances as a black woman.

  • Divide your community into inner and outer sectors and understand each of them and what skills are needed to navigate each different sector because they are not the same

Ten Worst Places to Live if you are a Woman (any wonder 7 of them are black countries!)

'The road that black women are on now will not take them to where they want to be!'

We need to repeat this meme as many times as possible. There is essentially nothing that I see in the direction of the general body of black women at present that will take them to a better place in terms of their current circumstances.

I see people trying to do bits and pieces that they hope will somehow move along black womanhood but even the bits that are in the right direction e.g. academic pursuits etc, when seen in the context of the whole mix of what black women are up to at present, these are either neutralized or have a negative balance. Its like multiplying a figure or some by zero, whatever the value is high or low, a billion or one, as long as you are multiplying by zero it leads to zero so it is the zero paradigm that needs to be changed not the effort!

Indeed many black women are saying ‘lets clean this bit up, and lets just polish this side and repair this bit, and the general formula still works or is workable’.

Newsflash! A wholesale rejection of the overarching paradigm/model being used is the only way!

The key reason why all the activities and focus of black womanhood is amounting to nought is because even when black women make these advances in education or set up their own business etc etc they then try to bend to fit into the current black male specified paradigm of the black community. They try to fit into what black men are about and their advancement immediately nose dives to zero. We see so many examples of it around, a recent case was one in which a black woman ‘advancer‘ was murdered by her black husband who clearly she was trying to prop up and ‘fit‘ into her advancement mix.

We cant make it without black men= Zero

Trying desperately to fit black men into your advancement mix when they are not fitting = Zero

Black women are currently operating in a ’self sabotaging’ paradigm. Almost every instruction being issued to black women is one to drain her and keep her stymied and less than others. These instructions are about limiting her world view and her social range and keeping her in ‘servant’ girl mindset. Many black women do not even know they are in ‘servant girl’ mindset but when the net effect of your output is serving to shore up all other parties than yourself then most definitely you are in 'servant girl' paradigm.

Thus I am not thus surprised when black women are cheered on for doing something that will clearly make them pariahs to other social circles and limit their social range and make people run from them. When a black woman announces her latest 'foot shooting' endeavour she receives a standing ovation. As always it is black women who are the last to understand why people are so happy for them to make themselves persona non grata.

I have said this once before..maybe that when I want to work with any black woman and it transpires that she says, lets add black men to the solution side of this equation, I know that her project will 1) bite the dust 2) I wont be in on it with her!

As long as black women continue to want to add black men to their advancement plans or ‘want to go it with the black man’ they will continue to go down and down. You can see that the general body of black womanhood is suffering. You can see it in our young girls, in their faces, their attitudes, the fact that many of them are hiding or ashamed the features that make them black.

The only solution is to place black men/boys away from them and instil in these young black women that the average black boy is not a brother, or a comrade but a poison carrier, that will inflict them with self hatred and that their sanity and self respect is directly proportional to the decrease of black men in their social circles.

Will black elders have the courage admit this honestly. No because the well-being and sanity of black girls coems secondary to not making black men and boys feel bad about themselves.

A class of black woman who are totally 'out of it'

The self sabotaging paradigm black women are operating in is as a result as I have said of instructions pass unto them and mostly from other women (aunts, mums, peers), who are not in anyway thinking 'how does this serve to profit this black girl', but are more concerned about upholding some black propriety or symbolic attitude or activity ('black by numbers' attitude).

One scary thing I see about the immigrant mothers around me is an absolute disconnect with what the hell is going on around them in the society they live. They seem cut off from modern society in key ways, 'healthy eating and keeping fit (even knowing they are obese), green issues and recycling, laws around child protection (hence a good number are under inspection by child care agencies). Unfortunately I see many overwhlemed (single mothers or not understanding the culture and how the society works), I also see them passing on obsolete ideas to their daughters (you will find a man in church). Thus a generation of black girls are growing up without any kind of effective counsel in fact they are left to fend for themselves with no guidelines and no maps! I feel for them the little resiliant dears, trying to make the best of life, while their mothers and aunts look far off into the distance or go around bemused by everything!

I met one such girls a few weeks ago crying at the train station, she looked a whole mess, matted weave and all! I stopped to ask her what was up and it was so hard for her to even articulate what the problem was, I could sense it was something deeper than a 'forgotten key' or something that she mumbled!
Gain insight into the relationship reality facing black women today, and find out more about the Interracial Option, read the IR E-book

Questions to be sent to:

Sunday, August 01, 2010

Discover Koomson

From her website
I wrote my first novel called There’s A Thin Line Between Love And Hate when I was 13. I used to write a chapter every night then pass it around to my fellow convent school pupils every morning, and they seemed to love it.

I grew up in London and then grew up again in Leeds when I went to university. I eventually returned to London to study for my masters degree and stayed put for the following years. I took up various temping jobs and eventually got my big break writing, editing and subbing for various women’s magazines and national papers.

Fiction and storytelling were still a HUGE passion of mine and I continued to write short stories and novels every spare moment that I got. In 2001 I had the idea for The Cupid Effect and my career as a published novelist began. And it’s been fantastic. In 2006, third novel, My Best Friend’s Girl was published. It was incredibly successful – selling nearly 90,000 copies within its first few weeks on sale. Six weeks later, it was selected for the Richard & Judy Summer Reads Book Club and the book went on to sell over 500,000 copies. Oh, there I go again, this is meant to be about me, not my novels.

and more.....

Gain insight into the relationship reality facing black women today, and find out more about the Interracial Option, read the IR E-book