Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Q: Halima how do I get going on this interracial dating thing?

Hi Halima, I really want to get serious about getting 'hitched,' soon. I want to start prospecting my interracial opportunities, and this might sound strange and naive for a 35 year old but, how do I get started?

Self Search approach (going out, networking)
Accelerated Self Search (eg online ads that work for you even while you sleep and drives more 'tracffic' than you could ever achieve on a one-to-one personal self search approach, I add speed dating because of the volume of prospective partners you make contact with )
Advanced professional search through agencies eg matchmakers

If you are a black woman over a certain age and you know for yourself that time is against you (every one has to decided what their time scales are for themselves but you have to be really honest with yourself here), then I suggest you shell out money for a matchmaker, and then add accelerated self search and self search to the mix.

But Halima, 'I dont have the money,' I hear you say.

You are actually paying for 'time' with a matchmaker service because it could take you in excess of 2 years to move from a relationship to a marriage. How much is that time worth to you? Would it really make a difference to you if you were married in six months, or a years time. For some women 6 months difference is critical? Are you this woman. Indeed take out the old calculator and calculate how much 'months' are worth in terms of dating and marriage, you might just find that the matchmaker fees are no longer a big deal, in fact it is good value!

The self search approach is very linear ie you meet one guy, you date, four months later it's off,  you get back in the game maybe a month later, you date three months, its serious, you talk marriage, 6 months later you are married when you can get all the family to be there (you know this is just all too ideal isnt it yet this little scenerio here has cost you 1 year and 2 months). How much is it worth in monetary terms if you could possibly (I say possibly) slash the time to half that?

The matchmaker essentially saves you anything up to one and half years by matching you with men who 1)Have already clarified their desires around marriage etc (ie she/he will match you with only those who desire marriage if thats what you require) 2) Are likely working to a similar time table as you. With the self search approach, it is usual for the 'desires' around marriage to emerge as the relationship progresses and while its all well and good for things to develop 'organically' sometimes that would mean taking forever. The matchmaker works backwards from this approach.

The matchmaker also matches you with the qualities you prefer or desire which you could search years to get a good mix on.

A 20 year old I would suggest should focus on the self-search and maybe an accelerated self-search because time might not be as much as an issue and they need to grow and develope in their understanding of what they want from men (which dating teaches). With the older woman it is not much about 'learning' as it is about now finding.

Before anyone rushes off to sign up to any ol match maker I want to make it plain now that very few matchmakers out there are set up to do an adequate 'service' to black women. Its a sad fact but true (If you have any information of good matchmaker services please do drop a comment or email me so I can share these). Many just have men on their books, men who may say they are 'open' but are not aware they are really not (this is true and it happens quite a lot). So there could be a number of false starts. To be of clear use to a black woman client, they would usually have to administer a specific questionaire to find out details for starters around race and racial attitudes etc that would be meaningful around interracial dating at least to black women.

I hope this posts higlights the key message that I want to bring to black women out there, that, many of you are doing absolutely nothing significant towards your goal of marriage and family and this is another year on from the date you said you were going to be really serious about this stuff!

Wondering about Interracial dating?

I have written an E-book that gives a comprehensive insight into the relationship reality facing black women today, including her Interracial Dating Option. Get yourself clued up!

Questions to be sent to:

Monday, March 28, 2011

The deliberate lowering of the Intellect and why black people practice this art

Lets just face it, with black folks, you are dealing with people who don’t want to elevate their thinking, their discourse, and this is so that they can remain at a place where all sorts of evil, strange outdated thinking etc remain plausible and allowed/excused.

We see it clearly in the recent rape case of an 11 yr old. I was on a website recently where a good segment of the black folks were arguing ‘she didn’t report the incident so it wasn’t rape’. To say that I was alarmed was an understatement (these were both male and female mind you).

You can almost see that these folks ’thinking’ had docked somewhere in the 1950’s, an age were the social norms on rape suited them just fine. Imagine living or working around such folks who refuse to come into progressive thinking, imagine what kinds of danger these ones pose to you in so many areas where their thinking is backwards.

Indeed, even when folks tried explaining, that ‘an 11 year old cannot consent to sexual activity‘, these same folks didn’t ‘come up to speed’, instead they continued to try to anchor themselves in their preferred state of mind over this issue, so they came up with arguments like, ’she did X and Y so she wanted it etc etc’, ‘where was the mother‘ (as if lack of parental supervision means black men have a right to ‘go for it‘).

The concept of ‘a minor cannot consent’ just couldn’t ‘stick’ as if it was some ‘rocket science‘ concept being explained to them.

And you know it was all too clear it was ’deliberate,’ this inability to process simple concepts that the rest of society is able to comprehend no problem.

The other scary thing here, was that the notion that children should be protected not seen as prey even when they do ’childish’ things (which is what children do) or escape parental supervision etc etc was so alien to the folks arguing about the guilt of an 11 year old that it was just so unbelievable! In my mind and as I have written, this was another clear sign that the black group is on its way out; the fact that there is no ’protectiveness’ towards the young particularly young black girls who carry the next generation. Even animals protect their young by instinct because how else would they continue to exist but even this most fundamental understanding escapes a good portion of black folk.

Reprobate minds.

You could imagine were the world would be in its ‘thinking’ if the notions circulating within black communities were to be the ideas governing general society. Lord have merci!

Do you see how behind many black people insist on being in their thinking, so they can continue to operate in ‘era’ where certain actions, lack of accountability were permitted them. Indeed, the world has moved on from ‘she asked for it’, we now have the concept of ‘grooming’, a concept that many black males and people insist on not recognizing so they can continue their evil predilections towards minors and claim ‘she asked for it’.

This is why I urge black women to flee black gatherings especially those the propose to ‘discuss’ black issues. There is a peculiar ’reasoning’ that circulates among black folks, which is seen as rational among them, but ‘mainstream’ looks at black folks and they think WTF!

This is why if I need to be among black folks, I have my mental ‘tin foil hat’ because I just know I am going to come across some deep mind bending nonsense that black folks will just start co-signing and agreeing with, and I will think I am in some parallel planet! The longer you stay in such environments among such warped reasoning the more trained in its practice you become, very soon your thinking patterns begin to bend into those ways of thinking until your emotions will begin to ‘accept’ as plausible all sorts of back to front notions that are endorsed by black people. This is one reason why bw have trouble even thinking in a straight forward way about their life and issues and how they can get the best out of life. They have spent far too long with ‘warped thinking’ environments that they have become ‘trained’ in the protocols and how to think in convoluted fashions in fact they become warped thinkers per excellence.

Escape to mainstream circles because much more rationality prevails in those spaces.

One of the negative things that happened when black people closed ranks to offer protection to themselves was that they created an outer shield/barrier to modernising forces that have over time arisen to operate in wider society. So when wider society ’moved on’ towards more progressive ideals and ideas, black spaces remain in older thinking regimes; thinking that allows black men free reign over their environments all justified under the notion of ’preserving’ black.

No wonder when I read black newspapers my mentality takes a dive but reading even mainstream right leaning papers, and my brain activity picks up because aside from the ‘right leaning’ which can be identified and filtered, they still have a duty to a level of commonsense and sensibleness that I find very few black papers and opinion columns feel they need to have ‘because it is a black thing‘.

Coming into 'modern' and 'forward' thinking means moving beyond animal instincts and animalistic lusts, it means being accountable, it means moving beyond yourself to care about fellow humans and it means ‘carrying your own weight,‘ and that’s what many black males are resisting when they insist they don’t understand about things like ‘minors cannot consent to sexual relations’ or ‘you have a responsibility for birth control as much as the woman‘ etc etc.

I remember a radio discussion the other day by one of the BWE bloggers, and do you know for the one and half hour program, each black man that came on was on a level of ‘Yo wassup' 'You say black man this and that.’ They pitched so low you could have been on another topic entirely. They refused to come up to the level of the discourse at all, and it is all deliberate as I say, because not coming up means preventing the discussion from building up to a meaningful discussion that can usher change 'So yes lets keep it a joke or a level of 5 year olds.' Ever wondered why comedians are the first choice when black people bring a panel together to discuss important and critical topics especially about the situation of bw? Well its not to inject humour its to keep things at a non serious level, to use joked and humour to keep it at a 'non transformatory' pitch, the intent is 'lets just chat and do like we are having serious actionable discussions but we expect you to go back to your posts after this light interlude'.

Listen to any blog talk etc and it is almost standard that bm come in at such a low level, that you can feel and hear people lowering their own thinking just to accommodate for it, and by so doing, the conversation remains at a 'non ignition' level and doesn’t soar to the heights it needs and really touch on the key points and be mind-changing and galvanizing as it should. I have also noticed that because bm come in at such a low pitch, any black man who mkes even 'half sense' gets a lot of ‘stars’ from the women. I mean he can pith low too but just a bit higher than the rest and bw are almost all dancing in the streets for the sense in a brothers words, I mean since sense in bm is rare and all that.

Selfish focus and exclusion from world decisions
There is a reason why the world's most important decisions are not in the hands of black contries, why we are not participating in global discussions around preserving humanity and preserving resources for the next generation (Obama as a black figure head does not count). When a people are so focused on their own ‘bellies‘, when people are seen to be so myopic and short term thinkers who refuse to think even one generation up, and would consume the worlds recourses in one season if left to them, then of course they will be deemed too dangerous to be allowed anywhere near major world decisions.

They are seen as nothing but infants to be chaperoned and controlled least they destroy important things. They are children who are relegated to the sidelines in such important world issues. When western folks are talking about green issues, saving planets and African countries leaders cannot think even beyond buying their latest Jets to ferry their bevy of girlfriends around.

I was at a maternal death conference the other day and there was this global 'map' on maternal deaths as well as who was giving what, and just as expected the places with highest maternal deaths gave the least amount (proportionally) to programs designed to prevent the occurence of maternal deaths in their own countries!

As can well be guessed, most maternal deaths were in third world countries, yet places like Norway which has very low maternal deaths were giving huge amounts to these intiatitives and pledging other support and lobbying world governments!

I realized then why all the intitiatives would be unsuccessful in addressing maternal deaths in these countries and we would still be in the same place, in twenty years tim, talking about the next 'strategy'; it is because the folk who should care more, because they are being disasterously impcated are not even prioritizing solving the situation. They are the ones loosing their young populations through maternal deaths yet others were coming in to tell them why it is important to do something about it!

Wondering about Interracial dating?

I have written an E-book that gives a comprehensive insight into the relationship reality facing black women today, including her Interracial Dating Option. Get yourself clued up!

Questions to be sent to:

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

The Sickness that is Black male Culture and Other things...

There is a sickness at the heart of black male practiced black culture.

It is for the very fact that black women are trying to continue to team with black men and to be one culture with them, to connect and incorporate black men into their plans and strategies, that the black female life giving expression of black culture is struggling, in fact has become disfigured and almost unrecognizable for the affirming thing it once was.

Instead of separating out and thus preserving the wholesomeness of the black culture as practiced by black women, by a series of compromises, made so that black men and women ‘can be together in this,’ black women have allowed evil and things that are not supposed to be mentioned in the same sentence as black culture to creep in and now define them and their cultural expression. They have in their desperation to 'team' with black men, made themselves agree with and validate evil and black negating activities as 'all part of valid and genuine black cultural output', all for the sake of having black men along.

See black female culture is life giving, it values blackness and sees it as positive thing to be preserved, but because black women have refused to separate themselves from the self serving, black negating evil that a significant majority of black men practice as their black culture and by trying to 'compromise' so that black men and women can be ‘in one fold’, what black women now have is a severely corrupted expression of blackness.

This is why black women now do things shocking to all, things you wouldn’t ever believe possible from a woman, just becvause she is trying to align and be in with the black men, and thus is following him down into the mud.

Indeed look at what constitutes black male culture:

Worship of white/whiter flesh

Subjugating everything and everyone to the black male ego (black male supremacy). Everything to and for the use of the glory and personal enjoyment of the black men!

A requirement of blind worship from black women

Utter disregard for the continuation and health of the next generation

Destruction of the future (gang rape culture, family abandonment, indiscriminate impregnating)

Trading on notions of ‘black inferiority’ for personal gain/forsakeing black dignity and pride (mandingo etc)

Extreme self serving 

Pure machismo and the crushing of the female spirit and the destruction of any goodness that should come from the female.

Because black women have let black men set the tone and the parameters, the whole of black cultural  expression has ended up in the gutter. Indeed when black men have kicked the ball into the gutter, black women have gone into the gutter to try to play a game ‘within the parameters’ of the gutter as decided by black men. When black men have kicked the ball into the water black women have jumped in to try to ‘play’ in the water, when black men have kicked it into the fire, black women have jumped into the fire.

This is the black culture as practiced by black women

A love and healthy appreciation for blackness

A concern for the future of black people/ Nurturing of the next black generation

Striving to love and appreciate uniquely black features even against the tide

Willingness to make personal sacrifice for the greater good

Diligence in investing for the uplift of black people

As long as black women continue to desperately try to be ‘a team’ with black men, they will continue to move away from their ‘life giving’ and nurturing functions, as black male culture drags them to the bottom!

It is time for black women to ensure that when you see a black man and black women, there is a prompt recognition that, yes we might be of the same color, but we are of two disctinct cultures!

The Current Black Set up has nothing for black women

The current black set up has nothing, I repeat, nothing for black women, though they try so hard to convince themselves it does! Black women want to convince themselves they feel secure and accepted in black circles, but when was the last time you a black woman felt accepted and belonging in black circles, if it wasn’t your manufactured emotions of happiness?

I spent many years attending ‘black churches’ and each Sunday I knew my mask dare not slip!

In the midst of black circles and black networks, if we are really real, we know that we have to maintain a certain impression or else we are in deep trouble. Everything is controlled, your lines are fed you and if you even go off the accepted ‘discourse’ a fraction of a millimetre, the black sheep dogs (usually an older, sharp tongued bw) get you.

I had a chance over the weekend to reconnect with a ‘group’ of bw from the church I once attended. Do you know folks, I felt such a sense of relief to be ‘liberated’ from them, their mutual urging each other on in their pretence and in finding status in those things that mean so much to black people (but are totally meaningless). I really thanked the creator as i felt exhausted even thinking about the energy, I expended trying to maintain my membership as a good black woman. 

Black women frequent black clubs were if they are not 'lightskinned,' they are pretty much invisible, they visit black comedy events to be grievously insulted but yet these same women will swear up and down how black circles are the ones where they feel supported and were they feel belonging, and they don’t want to go into ‘mainstream’ networks because they will feel left out.

It is amazing how the mind can hold on to a notion that no longer remains true in ones circumstances.
The mind is a powerful thing and can be used to great foolishness!

Wondering about Interracial dating?

I have written an E-book that gives a comprehensive insight into the relationship reality facing black women today, including her Interracial Dating Option. Get yourself clued up!

Questions to be sent to:

Tuesday, March 08, 2011

Thoughts for International Women’s Day (IWD)

Malia at 11

Try and build a relationship with other black women based on admiration (mutual), approval and acceptance (not the fake kind I love my hair and nose type protestations).

One of the reasons why I feel that black community is now defunct is because you cannot build a healthy and sustainable relationship between people on the basis of ‘Well I guess we are in this S*&t hole together so lets make the best of it’. There is no way you can have that sentiment as the overarching one for your relationship with each other and not begin to have, disrespect and negative attitudes creep in!

Sasha will be 11 in June 2012

I realized the other day that I actually admire black women (a certain crop of them not so much but…). It is not simply about admiring them for climbing mountains etc (strong bw), but I admire an essence of black women that I come across sometimes in certain African women and older school western black women. They seem to have a secret to all this that I am yet to happen upon myself (like if they know something I don’t) and they cast a wise old eye and a wry smile over it all, in a way that makes me feel that they got it all sussed out!

I have the greatest admiration for one of my oldest sisters, my mum-very formidable (but yet undeniable woman)-and wonder how she gave birth to a ‘coward of the first water’ like me lol! There is indeed something about certain black women, something that suggests that they know what womanhood is about, they have cracked the code. These women are sure of their womanhood and the ‘acceptableness’ of this womanhood and what they have to offer.

Contribute to this very important blog discussion on black feminity!

Contrast it today with how so many of us black women have a hard time believing we are bringing something valid and acceptable to the table of humanity, how we feel that folk will run away screaming if we are to ever show ourselves without the masks and trappings (and no I don’t mean letting it all hang out or keeping it real!). I think this ‘not knowing if we are acceptable or an error in creation’ fuels a lot of this, ‘is he showing interest’, type confusions many bw have understanding men’s basic attraction to them (read: white men's basic attraction to them). Yes western black womanhood has been grievously attacked and this is one sign of it. Indeed lets face it, the continuation of humanity rests on men and women having the ability to read and pick up signs of attraction in seconds often. Many African women straight of the plane, know when even a man from Nagaland is showing attraction. The less attacked a woman’s female identity is, the more likely she is to pick up on men responding to what she is!

So as an aside, I think there is something to be said for functional womanhood as practiced by many African cultures, that essentially thinks, if you have the basic functions and makeup of a woman, then your womanhood is acceptable, whatever your bodily presentation, full stop. I can see so many modern folk look down on such lowest level determination of womanhood which excludes so many other expressions of what a woman is, however what they dont understand is that this defintion presents the most widely embracing context, within which a wider variety of woman found security and belonging rather than felt excluded because of having a square jaw, gap teeth, short hair and short/long necks, things they had no control over.

Anyway back to the issue of a shared basis for identifying with each other, I came across that ‘I got news for you, we are all seen as black’ statement the other day and it made me think, ‘Wow there is absolutely no ‘hopefulness’ or positivity in that statement.’ There is nothing enjoyable and happy about being black when in this context.

Something else I noticed the other day to, when I sat near three young ladies on a public bus. One of the girls had spilt a drink down her dress and was asking for a tissue. The other girl, girlishly giggling held the tissue out of reach. It seemed all playful but I sensed something sinister like the others were letting the humiliation or discomfort go on that bit longer, while of course pretending to be playing about.

These days, there is so much damage among black people/women and thus so many underhanded and disguised games of black folk using others to, feel good about or amuse themselves, play their internal besting other black games, putting down others and downright nastiness happening within black circles.

This is one of the reasons why I tell black women to dissociate from non evolving, non progressing, disempowered bw. Many are in hell and desperate to see signs that you are in hell alongside them. If they refuse to disconnect from pain, they almost naturally refuse you (sometimes without even being aware) disconnecting to, thus get peturbed with you being happy or they become upset with you not showing signs of distress as well ( you having a smily face, getting on with life). The very fact that you dont look depressed and defeated and beaten and looking downwards, but have upbeat energy is increasinlgy niggling at them, until one day they will erupt. And guess the worst thing? They wont even know why they suddenly feel like sabotaging you or hurting you! They dont even know why they start acting out!

Anyway to leave this on a positive note this IWD, discover why you should admire black women and see if you can possibly ‘hinge’ your desire to associate with and be around them or join up with them in ‘doing something for our general good upon this basis.

So what do you enjoy about being a black woman or what are things you admire about other black women?

Wondering about Interracial dating?

I have written an E-book that gives a comprehensive insight into the relationship reality facing black women today, including her Interracial Dating Option. Get yourself clued up!

Questions to be sent to:

Monday, March 07, 2011

"People prefer faces that appear to 'like' them

You can alter your attraction to the opposite sex simply by looking straight at them and smiling, research suggests.

While many studies have found links between face shape, expression and other physical "cues" to attraction, one study is the first to look in more detail at the direction of gaze.

The researchers wrote: "Mating effort is a finite resource that should be allocated judiciously, and preferences for direct gaze in opposite-sex faces would increase the likelihood of allocating mating effort to potential mates who are most likely to reciprocate."

It suggests that how attractive you find someone is governed partly by how likely you are to be successful says - Professor Ruth Mace

University College London One of the paper's authors, Dr Claire Conway, said: "People prefer faces that appear to 'like' them, showing that attraction is not simply about physical beauty."

Professor Ruth Mace, a researcher into evolutionary anthropology at University College London, said that while this seemed an obvious principle, it could be a sign of evolution at work.

She said: "It's a pretty clear signal whether a person is interested in you or whether you are wasting your time."

"But it suggests that how attractive you find someone is governed partly by how likely you are to be successful." link

Halima says: Try everything to loose the weird vibe that black women suddenly get when around white men. It registers more than you realize.

Wondering about Interracial dating?

I have written an E-book that gives a comprehensive insight into the relationship reality facing black women today, including her Interracial Dating Option. Get yourself clued up!

Questions to be sent to:

Wednesday, March 02, 2011

When black women get 'too' skinny

'I liked her better when she was in the middle: not overweight, but not too skinny.'

Read more: Link
Wondering about Interracial dating?

I have written an E-book that gives a comprehensive insight into the relationship reality facing black women today, including her Interracial Dating Option. Get yourself clued up!

Questions to be sent to: